Interview with an Icon

The tale that follows has proven to be the hardest one for me to tell. Even from the moment I regained consciousness, I have felt charged with telling others of this experience, but a sizeable part of me still resists. A few weeks after my father's death, I suffered a meaningful setback in a relationship which had become dear to me. I was feeling rejected and hurt and was once more questioning my value as a person. This has been another recurrent theme in my life and looking back I can see how these feelings set me up for the intense experience to follow.

Deep in meditation, asking my higher self questions about my life and how to live it better, a figure became clear before me which set me on my heels. He was tall and thin with long reddish hair and a long beard. The Christian icon from my youth was too strong to assume any other identification for this figure and I reacted with strong emotion at seeing this image before me.

"God, anybody but Jesus please!" , was my immediate reaction. Not that I would have recognized some other Master soul in front of me in this state but still, I was uncomfortable in the extreme with this possibility. In the past I had wanted to simply be "born again" and accept some easy answers to my life and received the consistent response from inside, "It is not that easy for you!" As I reconciled myself to finding my own answers, I was able to grow far more than those I watched taking that easier road. Now as I looked at this figure and felt the rush of impersonal and overwhelming love pouring over me, I felt such unworthiness for such love and said as much to Him.

"God is no respecter of persons", he said in return and for the first time, this phrase which had confused me since childhood became perfectly clear. This love I was receiving is our ambient environment. It permeates everything that exists. It is available to everyone without discrimination. This energy doesn't care how we behave or how we feel about God. The only requirement is to allow ourselves to feel what is always there. I was still saying "Oh Wow!" to myself when the figure said "It is not through deeds that one enters the Kingdom of Heaven". Even though this statement seemed closely linked to the one before it, it set off another round of contemplation. I had always tried to be a good person and treat the people and things around me with respect. It wasn't always the Christian ideal of earning my place in Heaven that motivated this effort but it wasn't always from the desire to feel good about myself either. Tying this thought into the one previous I could see a little more clearly that Heaven for me, which had always been the experience of joy in my life, was achieveable not through acts of kindness but simply by accepting it as a natural state of being. I could see in an instant flash of whole thought that accepting my identity as a spiritual being, I could access joy pretty much at will.

On the heels of that thought came a whole stream of "I'm not worthy's". I felt like Wayne and Garth of 'Wayne's World' bowing to the figure before me. By this time I was already convinced of the reality of this being in front of my inner vision so his response came as no big surprise. "I am a multidimensional being", he said. "I am available to all who call me". I no longer felt apologetic for wanting such a visitation.

"What do I do with this",I asked. "Share it", came the simple reply.

"What do you have to show me", which was a question I had become used to asking in such circumstances with my higher self. He smiled and touched the middle of my forehead and faded out of view.

Just as I was beginning to feel disappointed to see him go, the scene before me shifted dramatically. With an emotional and kinesthetic rush of expansion I saw an image form of briliant light of all colors to fill my field of vision. This light was in constant motion and it expanded with an overwhelming force. Each stream of light was splitting as it moved and the expansion spanned dimensions as well as space. Even so, each stream was intimately connected to its source. The experience was total and thoroughly indescribeable. I knew it to be the Mind of God or at least as much as my awarenes could hold in the one brief moment that it lasted. The memory of it continued as I sat there completely enraptured.

Its ramifications still affect me and piece after piece of information gleaned from it keeps bubbling into my awarness as time goes on. No longer could I question the source of this experience. I have to accept that it was indeed Jesus who brought me this gift. Even if it was not Him, the force or being who provided such an experience was surely well beyond my conscious conjuring. The name was terrifically unimportant. The reality however, was beyond question.

As I sat struggling to consciousness while the vision faded, the distinct instruction to tell others was also too immediate to ignore. I resisted right from the start. The Iconic nature of the vision and the ramifications of seeing Jesus were intimidating to me. How could I claim to have had such a vision? Could I accept a role such as this? What does this mean about who I am? I sat there with this Cheshire Cat grin on my face still feeling the profound inner warmth and wholeness which is so lacking in my usual state of being and listened to the others in the room talking about their experiences of meditation. It was obvious to me that this had been a special occasion to all of us but each in our own way and to whatever extent each could allow. No one had reported quite so much activity in their meditation so when asked about my own, I was frightened almost to speechlessness. I had been charged with sharing this though so I launched into the story. I knew I had to face the fear I felt but as I spoke, my body temperature skyrocketed. I broke a cold sweat and I shook visibly. As the words came out almost separate from my control, my sense of shock increased and by the time I had finished the tale, I was a physical wreck in need of attention. Lucky for me, someone was willing to lay hands on me and I slowly came back to normal.

Subsequent encounters with the beings who are available to assist us in this dimension have been easier to process. Possibly because the charge I feel is less extreme and possibly because I have been able to conclude that such things are not so unavailable to all people. I have learned that I have had such experiences not because I am somehow different than others but that I am the same as others and merely allowing a broader range of experience than I have allowed before. In sharing the story, I have found others who are willing to open themselves to these visitations and recognize that what we share is our humanity and not some special talent.

As I learn to live in my heart and to step beyond my personal world into a larger existence, this realm of experience becomes more common and more appealing. I am learning to trust that life from this perspective is safe and effective. I can continue to provide for my physical needs and hold this vision in the forefront. We are intimately connected to the Mind of God. Each strand of expansion I perceived was still tied to the Source though it moved inexorably and with blinding velocity into individuation. So too, are we tied to our Source and able to recognize this in our daily lives when we learn where to look for it. I feel blessed by this vision in so many ways, one of which is by the ever unfolding nature of the thought streams which are opened to me by it. Access to such whole thought makes the manipulation of tiny parts which makes up our "normal" consciousness easier and more inclusive. I cannot say how much I appreciate the chance to share this now, but Thank You anyway.