The Dark

I had just spent a couple of weeks revisiting old pain and trauma while working alone on my recently deceased parents' house; painting and plumbing and walking the 30 acres of old growth forest. I spent some time with my brother too, sharing our mutual grief and angst about letting this property go to some stranger. My last few days there really stirred up a confusing melange of emotion which seemed to tie the current events of my life into traumas well back into my past. I returned home hoping to find a way to understand how the seemingly disparate pieces of this upheaval fit together.

My return to meditation group found the energy of the group firmly in my lap. A fairly unusual turn of events from the normally aloof position I take there. No one seemed willing to lead us into the healing circle we use to begin our activities. I sat with eyes closed, clearing my energy field and my thoughts when someone suggested letting the cat choose who to lead us. I opened my eyes to see the cat roaming over the coffee table in the center of the circle. I assumed it had been circling for a while and watched it make a complete pass around the perimeter and then stop and rub its forehead on the back of my hand and jump down and scamper away. Damn! Sure enough, for the rest of the evening, I was empowered to lead.

When the time came for the meditation period, it was with no small relief that I sat back in my chair to go inward. I was feeling pretty clear and highly charged. It felt lke a good time to ask for a journey to get the information about what I might do with all my recent experience. Almost instantly, an image formed of the surface of a body of water. Undulating over this surface was a form which at first seemed serpetine but cleared to reveal a dolphin's characteristic motion. He beckoned to me with an emotional signal of welcome. At last a male form to enter! This was a first. I didn't have time to wonder about this though as we took off immediately and the pleasure of its motion commanded my attention. I revelled in ithe flexibility of its body; so unlike my often stiff and unyielding Capricorn self.

After a few moments of this wonderful sensation, we dove to the depths and entered a dark underwater cavern. The cavern quickly led to more familiar territory. It was the dark pool in my cave (a personal archetype mention in other journeys). Once again in my own form, I stood on the bottom of the pool to await what might come next. I began to sense creatures moving around me which gradually took definite shape. There were snakes and eels and leeches of varied shape and size; essentially pretty creepy.Though repulsed at first, I began to feel their familiarity. These were fears and traumas (monsters all) that were my own and only recently experienced. In fact, their familiarity became profoundly meaningful to me. The thought came strong and clear that I was choosing to keep these beasties in my experience of life because, and only because, they were familiar. I was finding some odd sense of security through them.

These grotesque forms were attaching themselves to my body , giving my the willies. I heard the instruction to allow them to be part of me and to look to the light above me. Peering up through the darkness surrounding me, I could plainly see that it was indeed lighter overhead. There were stairs, I noticed, off to one side. I went toward and up them one at a time. Only a few steps upward I hear the instruction not to continue struggling up them but to call the light down to me. "OK!" , I thought ,a little skeptically. The light did indeed come into me at my call! As it poured through me I could see it emerging through my skin. The beasties gradually became more translucent. The lighter they became, the more translucent I became as well. Though they clung to me still, I watched them become invisible and my hands and feet also gradually disappeared. The creeping lightness moved through my body and I realized that my body was also rising through the waters, without effort, to the surface.

My awareness bubbled to the surface on the strength of a thousand questions then. My desire to understand kicked my intellect into high gear. The rest of my meditation became a struggle as these questions intruded on every pause in my affirmation. This turn of events was in fact part of the message but I didn't recognize that fact until later.

When I reviewed both the questions I had asked going into meditation and the answers I had received, I began to tie the journey into my emotional turmoil of the week before. I don't doubt that new layers of meaning will become clear as time goes on. At this writing, a few hours later, I am elated with the understanding I hold. While striving to let my emotions, imbedded in my awarenes from past events, emerge and be released, I have become somewhat addicted to replaying them because they are so familiar. Part of me knows who I am because of my personal history with these feelings. The future of clarity and greater awareness of my wholeness as a being is the more foreign and frightening experience. This in spite of the joy I know this growing awareness holds for me. When these pains emerge seemingly unbidden, I can accept their presence, acknowledge their place in my identity and turn again to my vision of my greater beingness. This returning to this higher vision of my Self is symbolized by calling down the light like going back to my mantra in meditation.

By holding steadfast to my intent toward the goal of awareness of my wholeness and connection to the divine, I become increasingly more impeccable in my focus. This keeps me moving forward toward my goals at a growing pace. That is the theory anyway.This too is becoming more familiar territory (though not as familiar as my past in this lifetime). I suppose that someday I will need to overcome my addiction to this endeavor as well. In this moment though, the sensation of rightness this focus brings is a considerable source of great joy. Not such a hard pill to swallow.